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May 21st 2013
Dusty Reviws - Depends For Men
Depends. If you’re a dude, you’d rather just take a crap in your pants, right? Wrong! Now, there are Depends for Men! Shields and Guards. I’m going to break down some things about these that I learned. I had some samples sent to me, presumably by mistake. However, I felt I should review them. A break down first. Shields are thinner, and meant for when there are much smaller leaks. Guards are thicker, and meant for when you’re just plain gushing. Here are a few things I learned about the Shields.
1. The adhesive faces outward and attaches toward the underwear. On a positive note, my bikini line looks great.
2. Despite being for catching leaks, they are not meant for your ass. On a positive note, my ass hasn’t been this smooth in years.
3. When you put adhesive over your crack, it doesn’t do much except make your guts swell up.
4. When you take adhesive off of your crack, it does not stop all that was backed up from quickly falling out.
5. You will still smell like pee.
6. They are not meant to be worn in place of your regular underwear.
7. Don’t wear them for several days consecutively.
8. Don’t save them for re-use a few days later.
9. They fall apart in the washer.
10. They fall apart in the dryer even if you skip the washer.
Guards are heavier, and fit like an athletic cup. They hold quite a bit much more urine. All of the same things from above apply, but there were some additional things I learned from these.
1. If you flick them directly after use, it will hold only most of what was in it!
2. Despite its shape, it does not really work as an athletic supporter.
3. A baseball still hurts when it hits you in the crotch and or ass while wearing one of these.
4. They do not work as a catchers mitt.
5. They also don’t work as a catchers mitt for your own dung.
6. It’s hard to poop at a distance.
Long story short, they both work, just not the way I want them too.
May 18th 2013
News Jeff Reviws - Wet Paint
Just fucking dry already!
An Aborted Joe
May 7th 2013
Dusty Reviws - Iron Man 3
God Damn It! I waited for this? I anticipated this as much as I did? Whatever. It's watchable. Wait for Netflix or a rental.
Barely a Billy.
May 1st 2013
Craig Discusses - C2E2
Chicago Comic and Entertainment Expo 2013
Having never been to the Chicago Comic and Entertainment Expo (C2E2) before, I had no idea what to expect and I say this in respect to both size and content. I was able to pull from the name of the convention that it focused on comic books, but how much I didn’t know. I am going to go ahead and out myself right now, I am not nor have ever been a devoted fan of comics. I read a few growing up but didn’t really get into them enough to be able to spout off all of the variations of Spiderman or Batman storylines. Never the less I still had a strong desire to see what C2E2 was all about.
C2E2 was held in the West building at McCormick Place. I thought the West building in McCormick Place was an excellent venue to hold C2E2. The place was massive, but not so large that you walked 40 mile to get from one event to another. The organizers did a wonderful job. We were able to pick up our press badges and walk the floor within minutes of arrival. The crew was helpful in every aspect that they could, courteous and informative. Even if there was one misunderstanding about the Medium Bus interns not being able to use the same entrance as we did. But I understand that other VIPs the caliber of the Bus are not as willing as we are to be seen with common folk.
That’s enough fluff it’s time to get down to the con itself. Friday was a scouting day for the Bus. We dropped a few cards off around the venue and got interviews set for Sunday. Friday’s big event for me was the showing of “Maniac”. This is a 2012 remake of a gritty 1980 slasher classic of the same name. Maniac stars Elijah Wood as a thirty something that stalks and tortures women. As the movie progresses we learn that Wood is tortured by the memories of his childhood and uses the scalps of the women he kills on mannequins. These “dolls” appear as life like women to Wood and taunt him as he searches for the perfect mate. The biggest draw about this film is its first-person viewpoint. A majority of the film is seen through Wood’s eyes. I found this to be very interesting. I liked seeing the reactions of the women he was attacking. This viewpoint provided the viewer with a greater sense of the fear that these women were experiencing. The movie is slightly “arty”, but otherwise it’s a lot of fun. I’d give it a Stephen.
We had Saturday scheduled as our event and panel day so we didn’t get to spend as much time on the floor as the rest of the weekend. The place was packed. I overheard some venders talking about the Saturday C2E2 badges selling out and I never thought once to question it. I am not sure if it was the smaller number of people in costume, compared to GenCon, or if it was the quality of the costumes that made it seem as if C2E2’s costumed guests was superior to other cons we’ve attended. I mentioned it in our wrap up of C2E2 but the best costume for me was the battle scarred Red Shirt from Star Trek. This guy went all out to create a very smart costume.
Our first event was the Patton Oswalt panel. Patton first answered some questions from the moderator and then proceeded to answer questions from the crowd. I really liked the interaction between Patton and the moderator and especially between Patton and Brian Poshen, who was hanging out in the crowd. It was the question and answer section that made the event drag a little. It was no fault of Patton’s, but more the questions he was getting. After the sixth question that started off “how do I get to be a ……” I started to get bored. Patton answered each question honestly, but after hearing “Start doing something related to what you want to become” over and over I started to get disappointed in the audience. I still give the event a Stephen as well. Patton didn’t have any control over the questions and I can’t fault him for that.
The next event was “Comedy Mutant” with Brian Posehn, Myq Kaplan, and Mike Drucker. Unfortunately there is not much to say about this one, all three great comedians and a hilarious event. I’d recommend any seeing any of these guy’s stand up. An Alec.
The final event of our C2E2 Saturday was “An Evening with Kevin Smith”. This event was sold out and well deserved. This was a question and answer panel. For those not familiar with Kevin Smith, why the hell have you been reading this blog? Shit, the damn blog is all about a fucking comic con from a group of guys who do a podcast called “The Medium Bus”. You should have some idea who Kevin Smith is and I will assume you do. But many may not have seen Kevin live and it is a totally different Kevin that expected. Let’s just say that Kevin loves to talk. And I fucking mean LOVES TO TALK. A question regarding his favorite breakfast food turned into a 28 minute discussion about his best friend’s drug addiction and an intervention. But this is was I wanted to see and it’s exactly what I got. Kevin is a natural story teller. I loved the way he really gets into the stories and thus draws in the crowd. I’d say Kevin earned his Alec and those familiar with the podcast know that I don’t give him much credit since Cop Out and Clerks 2.
Sunday was C2E2 interview day. We talked to old friends like Puca Studios, Rapture Game Studios, and Sarah Moore. We also talked to some new friends like the guys from Geek City Guides, Scott Brown of Two Bards, Rich Gurnsey creator of Welcome to Creepyville, and the studio behind Once Upon a time in 1977, Kill Vampire Lincoln Productions. We also talked to author Gregory Lamberson and the guys from Medallion Press. All of these people are great and should be followed, friended, and plused or whatever it is you do with Google+. You’ll be hearing more about these guys as we get to know them and review their creations. We interviewed many of the people I mentioned, but if we didn’t, trust me you want to know more about them.
The Bus rode into the Chicago wide eyed with high hopes and a thirst for entertainment. And I can soundly say that we left fully satisfied and wiser in the ways of the comic universe. We’ll definitely be back next year for C2E2 2014. C2E2 gets a superhero sized Alec fighting off an evil Baldwin Fuck Stain bent on world domination through shitty movies.
April 27th 2013
Dusty Reviews - Maniac
It's frightening murder in The Shire! Frodo Baggins has lost his shit! And not even Gandalf can stop him. This is not the plot of Maniac, a remake of a 1980 film of the same name. However, it does star Frodo Baggins as a deranged Elijah Wood! The movie is about a mannequin shop owner who has some mommy issues, and collects the scalp of ladies and then puts them on said mannequins.
However, he develops an obsession with an artist, and for the first time, although he still gets the urge to murder, he struggles with not bringing harm to her. But really, do you think he can stick to it? Maybe, actually. Here's the kicker though. In the 1980 version, there was a shot that took place in first person. To remain innovative, this whole movie takes place from the first person perspective of the murderer.
At first it's a little daunting, and seems a bit annoying. But as you get used to it, it actually becomes more and more interesting as you go. It takes what may have been just your standard slasher flick, and turns into something much more interesting. The level of gore was through the roof as well. All in all, with the artistic way the film was shot, the gore, this well scripted and equally well acted movie turned out to be better than it should have. It's a pretty solid Steven.
April 24th 2013
News Jeff Reviews - Rainbows
Rainbows are fucking great. They are rare enough they they don't bother you all the damn time and they are a free splash of color and life to your day. What does it mean?
April 17th 2013
Dusty Reviews - Lincoln
Do you enjoy extraordinarily long, slow, zooming in on someone as they give a speech? What about the same thing, but they are just sharing an anecdote? Perhaps take one of those same scenarios, and make the person being zoomed in on Daniel Day Lewis? Did that float your boat? Then Lincoln is the movie for you. The first hour could be cut. Truly, we all basically know the story, so there doesn’t need to be near the amount of setup as there was. However, it’s Spielberg so if it’s not epic, it’s last. Something like that anyway. It’s obviously well done. The acting is phenomenal, the story is as American as apple pie. Maybe even more so really. It just suffered from extreme over-length. I almost fell asleep until the last half of the movie picked up a bit and was not so boring. All the bullshit aside, it’s a good movie, plain and simple.
April 10th 2013
Craig Reviews - Mutiny on the Bounty (1962)
Marlon Brando is the aristocratic Lt. Fletcher Christian, an officer aboard the HMS Bounty who leads a mutiny against the ship's tyrannical Capt. Bligh. Saw this on TCM. I really liked the story and how it was told. Brando comes off as an arrogant bastard in the beginning, but through the movie we see him slowly shift to a man of character. I like old movies with large sets and beautiful scenery that help tell the story.
April 3rd 2013
Dusty Reviews - Ingenue
Ingenue! It’s a French word that means girl. In movies, it’s also a word for just a stock character. So, it wasn’t really a surprise when Kate Chaplin chose it as the title for her first feature film. On a scant budget, she did what James Nguyen of Birdemic, Tommy Wiseau of The Room, and Michael Bay have all yet to accomplish. With no regards to money, she made a decent movie. A family finds a human analog in their basement, and with a little coaxing from the government, they begin to teach her and raise her as their own, even though she’s clearly in her 20’s. However, she has now been awakened, and she needs to know of the world.
I’ve been a fan of Kate’s now ever since I saw Leah, Not Leia. Since then I’ve seen more of her short films, and have not been disappointed. She had previously proven herself a competent short filmmaker, but has proven herself now as a feature filmmaker. There were a few flaws, but really nothing much to complain about it. And Sarah Moore, of the hit YouTube sensation Gamer Chick is the lead, so no disappointments there either. It’s a pretty easy Stephen.
March 26th 2013
News Jeff Reviews - X-Wing Minatures
I really ripped this game up before I played it. While the game has tons of tokens and punch outs and could have been worked better, you really only need the movement templates and a few tokens to play. Wave 2 just released giving twice as many ships for squad building. Strategic and easy this game is pretty fun. Being able to play anywhere and make your own ships with ease make the future of this game great. I have actually fallen in love with this game, being Star Wars helps...
March 19th 2013
Craig Reviews - Safety Not Guaranteed
“WANTED: Someone to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. You’ll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. I have only done this once before. SAFETY NOT GUARANTEED.”
Journalists (Jake Johnson) and interns (Aubrey Plaza and Karan Soni) from the Seattle Magazine find the preceding classified ad and investigate. This comedy was definitely written with Aubrey Plaza in mind. Aubrey plays nearly the exact same character as she does in Parks and Rec. This is not a bad thing, but there is nothing new for those familiar with her television work. The movie focuses on the relationship that Aubrey’s character (Darius) and the time traveler (Kenneth). Kenneth is played by Mark Duplass. Not being familiar with Mark’s work, I will say that he can play a loner very well. Kenneth comes off as a guy just weird enough to draw your interest, but not so weird that it’s creepy. This is definitely a comedy that you like or hate. I liked it. Not the type of comedy that you’ll be quoting for the rest of your life, but a funny movie about a couple of kids who needed each other.
– A Billy.
March 12th 2013
Dusty Reviews - Oz, the Great and Powerful
When I was growing up, every time The Wizard of Oz was on television, I would watch it. It was a staple of my youth. When I heard they were making a new one, needless to say, I was extraordinarily skeptical. Then, I started to hear some casting rumors and such. Things like, Robert Downey Jr. as Oz. Wow, that sounds great. Yeah, not happening. Johnny Depp? NO! Although I think he’s great, he has already played a part in decimating other characters I loved as a child. No thanks! James Franco? Well. Maybe. I don’t know. Yeah, he might be okay. A flood of emotion crept over me. I didn’t know how to react. But, I started seeing some trailers, and though he might just pull it off. More on that later.
Now, let’s talk about the ass of Mila Kunis. She is a doll. God damn it she is a sexy woman. So, Sam Raimi chose to display her ass a few times. Thanks Sam! Kunis looked amazing in this film. I was so happy with her ass, and her face. Oh, and her titties. But let’s talk about acting now. As Theodora the Good, I thought she was wonderful. She played the shy, naïve part just beautifully. She was adorable. As she followed Oz through…well, Oz and hid from the legions of the evil witch, who was yet to be named, whilst Franco skillfully threw them off course, I thought she was grand. She also played well as she learned of Franco betraying her. SPOILER ALERT!! It wasn’t until her transformation into the evil witch that I thought things fell flat. Yeah, she wasn’t terrible, but she wasn’t really up to par either. There needed to be something more there and it was really lacking. Someone who did not lack was Michelle Williams. My God, talk about beautiful. As Glinda, the previously thought evil witch, who turned out to be very good, she was amazing. I really felt as though she stole the show. Her innocence and realization of Franco’s deception came off remarkably. Overall she was my favorite. I want to apologize to Scarlett Johansson here, but I think Williams might be my new biggest crush. It is now her flesh I will wear. Rachel Weisz was pretty good too. But as much as I feel Michelle Williams stole the show, I felt let down here. She played Evanora so-so.
Now, back to you James Franco. He was not bad. Not at all. My biggest issue with him was that I kept waiting for him to blaze a fatty. It just felt wrong. One thing I will definitely give to him was the scene with the China Girl. It might have been my favorite scene in the movie altogether. It was touching, it was well acted, and it made me actually feel something for the characters involved. It’s the scene where you really find out Oscar has a good heart. You know after this that regardless of whether he is a real wizard or not, he is the guy to save Oz.
Bruce Campbell was a nice face to see too. It’s a Raimi film, so you knew he was going to be in there someplace.
I wasn’t disappointed in Oz, The Great and Powerful. I will say it suffered from being a little over-long. But the fact is this; it was well acted, well directed, and visually masterful. Raimi didn’t Alice in Wonderland it. It was striking. It was imperfect for sure, but worth seeing on the big screen.
It’s a solid Stephen.
March 6th 2013
Dusty Reviews - Jack The Giant Slayer
Jack The Giant Slayer is a familiar story. The movie is a re-imagining of the Jack and the Beanstalk story that we all knew as children. The story, as I remember was about a reedy little shit that scams some dude out of some magic beans by trading them perfectly good livestock. He then climbs the magical beanstalk that is spawned from the beans, and raids a giant’s castle to steal a gold shitting goose. Something like that anyway. This story though, didn’t make Jack look as greedy.
It was an alright movie. There was nothing extraordinary about it, but it wasn’t bad. There was nothing wrong with the writing, or acting, or directing, or special effects. The biggest problem with each of those things is that there was nothing to really brag about either. The giants looked pretty good. The beanstalk sprouting from the ground was a decent sequence. There was a good amount of action and excitement, but you never really felt like anyone was in great danger. You always kind of knew who would live and die.
I believe the two headed giant was to be the comic relief, with one head being of below average intelligence, or “retarded” if you prefer. The problem is that, even for children, I don’t think it was hilarious. I didn’t particularly find it amusing, but once again, there was nothing really wrong with it either. The biggest issue with this movie was a couple of glaring continuity issues. The first came for me when the beanstalk was cut down. It came crashing to the ground, laying itself out across the land. It ended with it smashing into the castle, knocking down part of the wall and a tower and some stuff like that. However, in multiple scenes following that, as a group of soldiers are being chased toward the castle by giants, the beanstalk is nowhere to be seen. It’s too bad too, because it looked pretty good as it fell and smashed things up. Another smaller detail is the crown that allows for control of the giants. When the giants acquire it, and the leader puts it over two of his fingers, he becomes the leader. Once again however, in SEVERAL scenes to follow, the crown is nowhere to be seen, until magically it’s back on his fingers later on. Things like that anger me. And then the end. I will not spoil. But this movie pulled an AI on us and ended more than once. There was one particular place it should have ended, and there would have been a great sense of closure and finality, and then it continued on. And where it continued and led the story cheapened everything else entirely.
So, overall, like I said, it wasn’t bad. There were some choices made that should not have been made. There were some mistakes that should have been covered up. But it was decent. If I could take back seeing it in the theater, I would and wait for streaming. But, it’s worth seeing in some capacity.
It’s a Billy.
February 20th 2013
Dusty Reviews - Corn Flakes
Flaked cereals come in many different varieties. Bran flakes, wheat, corn. It’s all there. Raisin Bran, Special K, Frosted Flakes, Wheaties and so on. But there really is one flake that I feel is the most versatile. Corn Flakes take the cake. You can sweeten them, and eat them in milk. It’s kind of like what Frosted Flakes are, but you can use the sweetener of your choice, instead of six cups of sugar. You can use them for cooking, and feed them to the birds if you want. I feel like they can live far beyond their expiration date. Don’t eat them plain though, they really suck doing it that way. For the sheer magnitude of possibility, Corn Flakes get a Stephen.
February 6th 2013
News Jeff Reviews - Zero Dark Thirty
Ok let me just start off saying that I am not a military movie guy. I don't line up to see the latest movie about some helicopter getting lost or a movie that features real navy or army people. I could give a fuck. Now that we have that out of the way I really enjoyed this movie. But coming from The Hurt Locker director I kind of knew it would be good. This movie is a super slow build up to literal heart pounding raid scene. Some people could find this type of build sleep inducing, but I felt it was very realistic. So with all this I feel as though this movie deserves no less than a Stephen.
January 30th 2013
Dusty Reviews - The Green Lantern
So, during the Summer of 2011, Ryan Reynolds ruined another movie. Well, was it just him or was it nearly everything else? Regardless, Green Lantern wasn’t even really worth watching, even though I didn’t have to pay for it. Go back and watch the Christopher Nolan Batman trilogy, or really any of the other Batman movies. Also, there’s a new Superman movie coming this Summer. Well, also any of the other Superman movies are better than this also. Truly, DC screwed the pooch on this one. It wasn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen, but it was dumb. And he special effects weren’t that great.
I give it a Daniel.
January 22nd 2013
News Jeff Reviews - Pizza Vs. Skeletons
This is lovely iOS game that places you as a 25' tall pizza that rolls on edge and crushes skeletons. If that doesn't get you in, then not much could. It's fun, has tons of verity and is loaded with things you can add to you pizza. This time killing monster gets a Stephen.
January 16th 2013
Dusty Reviews - Monster Hunter International
I enjoy books. Even more than that, I enjoy audio books. It affords me the opportunity to finish a tremendous number of books while working, driving, or whatever I might be doing. I just finished my first book ever by Larry Correia. It was called Monster Hunter International. Owen Zastava Pitt is an accountant. One day he is getting ready to leave work, and his boss calls him to his office. What ensues is his first encounter with a werewolf. What transpires is his journey to becoming a monster hunter with an agency known as MHI, or Monster Hunter International.
It’s good. Read it, or listen to it, doesn’t matter, just check it out.
Now, that said, it’s a bit predictable. The writing is pretty god, but it’s not poetry by any means. However, it serves its purpose. And all things said, the writing will get you through to the meat of the story. It’s fun, it’s gory, it will not really leave you desiring more. Just don’t expect a Sherlock mystery. You’re going to figure this book out before the end. I feel like this would make a good summer movie. Throw some fair to midland actors in there, maybe a Zak Snyder-esque director, and I think you’d have a hit. So, if you’re a monster lover, I’d say check this out for sure. If you’re not a monster lover, then it’s still pretty fun. And the vampires and werewolves aren’t shitty like recent movies would suggest.
Rating this is a bit tough for me. It’s not an Alec. However, I have a hard time giving it a Billy. But it’s not quite a Stephen either. So, really I guess this one just gets a high Billy. Maybe even a low Stephen. It’s enjoyable. So, check it out.
January 2nd 2013
News Jeff Reviews - Straw Dogs
This review is of the remake that recently came out. This was one of the worst movies I have ever seen that had a budget. The story was all over the place with a movie writer, his wife, her old boyfriend, his buddies, a retard, his girlfriend and her dad. I still don't know who I am supposed to like in all this. They didn't make anyone likeable enough to care about. I guess we are supposed to side with the rich writer, but he runs around trying to be a bad ass the whole movie. And after his wife gets raped and doesn't care about it, I lost all interest. Honestly I am not familiar with the original, but this one blows, an Aborted Joe.
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